wordplay by orange peel moses
images by Gregory Hoenig & Jeff Clegg
Sports are gay, especially male-dominated ones (sadly the vast majority). As a lesbian trapped in the body of a scrawny externally-endowed cracker, eye have absolutely zero desire to fork out the metaphorical fruits of my labor—dead presidents normally kept on a short leash—just to see a bunch of zillionaire steroid junkies wrestle and smack each other on the @$$. However, lace a grip of girls into roller skates…and eye am already there (having somehow miraculously invented teleportation on the spot a mere nanosecond earlier:). The proof is in the volunteer hours, as eye was recently coerced into careening up to the Wagon Wheel in Brighton, the Denver Roller Dolls’ official home base, on a weekly Wednesday basis for a crash course in roller derby. Not that my arm required much twisting…
Jersey Trouble, a jam-skater for the Bad Apples (one of several teams in the Dolls’ league), has always had “issues” with anger management. Let’s just say “TROUBLE” (with a capital “T,” and a capital “R,” and a capital “O,” you get the picture:) was her middle name long before it was a part of her official rink alias. She was certainly no stranger to bar fights, scuffles with security, or brew-influenced black & blue bruises. Enter: roller derby, a purrfectly legit and healthy outlet for channeling her excess vex. And in just under a year, nothing else gives her days more bang than the all-girl gang. Jersey recently made her public skating debut at the brand spanking new league’s coming-out bout “Dawn of the Dolls” on Saint Phatty’s at the Denver Coliseum. Their pre-bout coming-out blowout at 3 Kings Tavern involved a debut of an entirely different variety. Everyone and their MILF’s heard of Jell-O wrestling, right? On this particular occasion, chicks who normally chalk friction (in the form of blocking and hip-checking) up to fair play were determined to experiment with a little lubrication…in the form of creamed corn.
“As a league, we discussed at length what medium to wrestle in. Basically, it came down to Jell-O and pudding being played out. Plus, we didn't want to be just another group of scantily clad sexy girls wrestling in food. Creamed corn added a little bit of depth to the event. The yellow chunky stuff set us apart," explains Jersey.
Creamed corn wrestling, a fresh spin on a tired idea, is not the only way the Dolls are reinventing the sport of roller derby, either. Whereas other leagues still incorporate staged fighting, a la WWF, into their bouts, the Dolls unanimously decided to steer clear of faux violence of any kind.
“There’s been a lot of showmanship in roller derby in the past and it’s kind of been linked to wrestling,” says the Green Barrettes’ Sissy Rinkshaw. “We as a league decided we would not do the fake fighting thing. If there’s a fight, it’ll be for real; I can guarantee that.”
Meow!
May 19th @ Denver Coliseum
www.DenverRollerDolls.org